Confession of the truest sort.

These are my confessions

1. I can and will manipulate you [if i feel necessary]

Sometimes i do it to get what i want. Sometimes i do it because i am trying to help you. But either way i do it. Most of the time i don't even really know that i am doing it.

2. I get sad for no reason and i am sad 93% of the time.

There is nothing you can do. So please don't even bother. I will either work it out on my own or i will break and do things that i don't want to. There is no way around it. I don't want your sympathy. I don't want your help. I need to do this on my own or it will kill me.There are only three people who have ever helped and I ended up just hiding the fact that i was upset.

3. You cannot manipulate me.

I wish you could but you can't. If you are trying to manipulate me, and you think it is working, think again because you are wrong. I am not falling for a word,look, or flick of the wrist.

4. I do a lot of things that you don't know about.
Most of them are bad. I probably won't ever tell you.

5. I use sex to hide that there is something wrong.

I don't like telling people when there is something wrong. So i will use sex to get out of telling you anything.
It sounds horrible i know but it is part of my manipulating you. Sex takes your mind of things and i wouldn't do it if it didn't work.

6.I hurt peoples feelings.

Most of the time i hurt my own feelings. But i think what hurts most is that i don't mean to. I just say whatever bitter horrible things comes to my head. And i will apologize but please know that i am not apologizing that i said it or that i hurt your feelings. I am saying sorry for you hearing it.

7. I am harmful towards you.
You will think i am great. You will think that i am an amazing person. But you are wrong. I will break you down. Push you as far as i can. I am the girl that your mommy warned you about. I am the most real danger you will ever face. Because as you read this you have already announce every confession false. I am under your skin. I am like a disease for which there is no cure.

8. You will not hurt my feelings.
I hide them too well.

9. You cannot bring up a painful subject
And if you did i wouldn't tell you. i hide my painful subjects. i leave no hints to know that there are any. i leave no clues. i don't talk about them. and you will probably never know what they are. deal with it.

10. I will lie about my feelings.
I can say that i wont feel alone or sad if you do this or that. i am lying. straight to you. it's a fact. unless i promise that i really wont be [whatever emotion] then i am lying.

11. You cannot and will not ever see me at my best or worse.
you will see me in the gray area in between. my best turns into my worst. my plotting scheming and anger come from my happiness. [we will deal with those subjects later.] i havent decided whether they spur some of my happiness or if they are caused by my happiness but either way, My gray area is as horrible as i am.

12. I hate you.

Because you're vulnerable. Because you are you, and I am not. Because you are so human and perfect, in all your vulnerability and pain, and I like to keep you that way.

13. I make excuses and give you them, simply because I like them.

In all reality, I need no excuses or apologies for my actions. I give the excuses and reasoning I do because it amuses me to. I give them to you because you need them. Your eyes beg me for them.

14. I will probably never mean any excuse I give you.

Because I don't need to. Because I am Caitlynne. Because most of what I do is unforgivable.

15. I envy you.

Because you are beautiful. Because you are vulnerable. Because you are everything that I could never be. I envy it. I hate it. Which in turn makes me hate you.

16. You will never appreciate all of me.

The simple true fact is that you will never understand why I do what I do. You probably don't understand why I am even writing these confessions. And this just further proves my point.

17. I am extremely smart.

I won't ever show you. I won't ever let you see. But I am smart beyond most comprehension. There is no point in showing a talent that I only use against others. Why show my hand when I can just keep the cards up my sleeve?

18. I cannot think the way you do.
Your thoughts consist of morality. mine of parasitic infection. Your thoughts are mostly innocent in nature. Mine are full of contempt, plotting, scheming and manipulation.

19. I am not nice..
I will not sugar coat things. I will not hesitate to bitch you out. I will not spare any of my generosity on you. I will unleash all of my wit and quick insults on you.

20. I plot.
I plot things you could never imagine. when it seems like everything is going great i already have a plan how to bring you back down again. When you are at your lowest i have plotted to bring you back up only to tear you down again.

21. I scheme.
I do horrible things to honest people. I scheme to get my way. that is the way i am.

22. I am a generally angry person.
you infuriate me. Because you aren't like me. because you honest and good. and I'm left in my dispicableness alone.

23. I Do what i want.
I do what i want without regard for your feelings. I don't care whether you get hurt because the chances are it won't be the last time.

24. I am not a good girl.
I drink. I do hardcore drugs. I hate my mother and wish she would die. I masturbate. I have lots of sex. I curse. and i do it all happily. Because it pushes me further away from you.

25. I really do think of ways to hurt you.
And i enjoy the thoughts. They bring me peace of mind. you, you have friends and a life and i hope to make everything crumble beneath you.

26. My mind is a spiderweb.
So don't try and understand it. it's sticky, it's a mess and it innevitably leads to your destruction. Be a good little pest and fly away because i'm the black widow waiting to catch you.

27. You won't ever know me.
I let you see what i want. but most of what you see isn't me. I lead you into my trap just to destroy everything you know. I won't ever let you see me because there is no me. I'm nothing and everything.

28. I am contradictory.
I am deep and shallow. pretty and ugly. i am the worst and best sides of everything. and i am everything in between. the only real me is everything you think i'm not because i am not one thing.